Thursday Entry 5

Did anyone critique your work this week? If so, what were their impressions?
i was critiqued in studio class this week. ready? ok go.....
here are some general notes, then ill do some reactions underneath:
-time passage is unclear in movie theatre video
(for the most part, i agree. you cant tell how long i was standing still in the movie theatre piece. was it 10 min? 10 hours? this is undefined, and if i want to continue to use this, i need to figure out a way to define it)
-standing still "isnt working", consider leaving it in real time
(i think that real time would have worked better. i got caught up in the idea of how long a viewer looks at a video piece in a gallery setting. for me, unless it a black box, its 3 minutes tops. usually about 30 seconds.....and thats when i LIKE the piece. i was trying to make a piece that fit into MY idea of how long the patience of my viewer is. this needs to be a real time installation)
-not enough work shown
(ok. i need to say it. sonali asked me how much work ive done and how much ive shot. i told her i had three pieces. i have NO idea why i said that because it was a straight up lie. ive got about 10 pieces and a few rushes that ive done. i dont know why the number 3 came out of my mouth.)
-consider activated space
(yes. good point. very good point.)
-objective/idea sucks
(surprise surprise, lol. does it suck because im not communicating what i want to communicate or does the formal-ness not work or am i just talking about something that only strippers/public servants understand? there are many things i need to work out. i think part of my problem is that im trying to pack about 100 ideas into one video. this work needs to be an installation containing many videos that all have a link. this is like a book. it needs chapters. im trying too hard to squeeze it into one. also, i need to define my signifiers visually, not with language, such as the shoes, or the standing. fyi- the standing still in a space where action/entertainment is supposed to occur is intended to be a metaphor for mental fatigue, the idea that were there physically, but there is a disconnect. when i dance, my body moves, but my mind doesnt. i took the mind and tried to represent it with the body)
-what am i communicating?
(a few things-mental and emotional fatigue, physical fatigue, performance, money exchange, conflicting psyche, characterization, frustration among other things)
-preformance
(yes. this is a huge part of my overarching themes. this gets addressed later in the nia/olivia question)
-sound design needs more consideration
(i think the byrd theatre piece should be silent. i think that the piece i shot today needs only the sounds of clicking heels.)
-ends abruptly, no answer
(EXACTLY!!!!!!!! THANK YOU! thank god you understood that. it does end abruptly, with no answer and that needs to remain a big part of this body of work. there is no answer, it is abrupt and it does leave you alone in the end. yes. hallelujah!)
-consider variety in distance of shots, closer, farther ect.
(i did a more kate gilmore-ish approach tonight. im trying to take the idea of the non-space and use that to my advantage. perhaps this will create more focus on the shoe or the motion, or the struggle if i eliminate the environment. i shot in my house tonight, ultimately, this needs to be done with a seamless in a studio with lights. im also going to reshoot the byrd piece asap)
-issue: putting yourself on display
(i wrote this down and now im not sure what it means. is this an issue for the viewer or for me? i DO take issue with putting myself on display but i also like it. its funny, i was telling lauren that i never thought that the men/people in strip clubs were bad until someone told me. the first time i started working in one, i was really sad and upset but that was more because i was in a bad place emotionaly, not because i took issue with how the men treated the women. i was thinking that it wasnt until people started saying "oh my god, this is horrible!" and "look how youre treated!" that i even thought that it might be bad.......all the men i had already encountered in my life were all like the men in strip clubs. they all were rude, selfish and disrespectful. this realization that i never thought it was "bad" until someone told me is very interesting. the people in my life began to constantly tell me how fucked up and wrong the business is, it was only at that point that i thought "ok, this is normal to me, but not anyone else, and THAT is whats most fucked up"
-not enough visual information
(i need chapters. there needs to be many parts that make up a whole. i cant solve everything in one video, but i can use many videos to solve everything)
-think more about what a happy capsule IS
(i thought i did.)
-do more, shoot more
(duh. 3 to 4 sketches a week.)
-too one sided, what about the counter?
(what is the counter, exactly? theres the "i like it" and the "i hate it". thus, a mental conflict. i get the feeling that my viewers think i am representing more of the "i hate it" even though im trying to become more neutral and objective and say "this just IS". thatll never happen. ill never be objective when it comes to this. i have to show BOTH. i need to show the love, the hate, and the neutral, because sometimes i just dont have the energy to care anymore)
-must show both sides of an arguement or statement.
(just covered that)
-is this about issues of performative frustration?
(this one is, yes. this is about a physical representation of a mental struggle. im not moving. im just standing there. a body. disconnected from its space, my mind is disconnected from that space and i wanted to show that physically. "if i have to be here, and if youre gonna look, then fucking look at nothing, how's that?! ha!")
-why do we see olivia in nia's space, but not nia in olivia's space?
(this was adressed by jen both in crit, and in the blackboard commentary. its very valid. the answer is this: you see olivia in nia's space because olivia is a part of nia. olivia is a character created by nia. olivia, undoubtedly penetrates and follows nia. olivia's experience in strip clubs informs nia's judgements of people. when nia walks into olivia's world, nia doesnt matter. nia is left at the door, it doesnt matter who nia is, or what nia is about because no one cares. it will never ever matter who nia is when nia is in olivias world. nia is irrevelant. this is why there cannot be that exchange. olivia follows nia because we dont live in a world where olivia can be left at the club, further, olivia follows nia because olivia has taught nia lessons that are very valuable. nia cannot bring anything to the table for olivia. nia has a brain, and thoughts and feelings and emotions, all of which are looked down upon in places like strip clubs. the work doesnt contain representations of nia in olivias world because nia doesnt exist in olivias world and never will. nia is checked at the door.)
-why do you continue to work within this industry?
(this question is fucking irrelevant. even if there was an answer, it would never be valid to anyone who hasnt already done this type of job. compulsion. birds of a feather. approval. control. release.)
-why do you make artwork about this?
(this question IS fucking relevant. i still cant produce a valid answer for anyone, but ill try again: this is what i know, this is what i understand. this is what consumes my thoughts because olivia doesnt get left in the club. olivia leaves with me. olivia is a weird and beautiful warning system, she tells me when danger is approaching and she reminds nia to shut down in order to protect myself. i make artwork about this because i have made my life into performance. this isnt a normal job. this is a way of life. i make artwork about this because i know it so well and i am so conflicted by it, that i want to examine it in a larger "big picture" kind of way. i make artwork about this because i am interested in fakeness. why? because im fake. why? because i have to be. why? because it protects me. why? because it gives me the upper hand. this is a very transparent defense mechanism, but its time tested. we have to create characters. we have to force ourselves into believing were someone else because if we dont, if we allow ourselves to be human there would be no strippers because we would have all gotten a shotgun and ended it all 50 years ago. i make this artwork because i want to communicate my frustration and infatuation with the fake. why? because i think its important to point out the fact that we live in a place, where, in order to survive we have to be two people. is that good enough for now?)

What was the most motivational or creative moment of the past week?
any conversation i have with stephanie is pretty motivational and creative. shes very smart. specifically, the conversation that we have about wit or clues or metaphors or evidence left behind in a piece.
on a more personal level, i cut one compulsive act out of my life.

What do you want to achieve in next week's studio practice?
2-4 finished videos and a complimenting sound piece. specifically, i want each piece to represent one thing, not one million things. there eventually needs to be one million pieces representing one thing each. this will be the final.

What did you achieve in your studio this past week?
lots of writing.

What has been an artistic failure this week?
my communication. i need to take more charge in my crits. i panic. i go into every situation prepaired... defended. why? because im fucking sick of people and their verbal attacks. not of my work. my work needs it. im sick of verbal attacks of me and who i am and what i do both in school and outside of it. its beginning to happen so often and with such force that i dont even want to be in a room of people who even know my name. either name. its never ending. school. church. bars. restaurants. then the people in my life (professional and personal) who are doing these crazed verbal attacks use the "but we say this because we love you" excuse. this is where it gets personal:
if i have a choice between being unloved and being vulnerable and forcefully recieving the "this is bad!" lecture, then you can just keep your love.

What was the most profound thought in relation to your practice this week?
"maybe people critique your morals for a reason. maybe its all they CAN talk about. maybe you should take that as a sign of weakness in the work" <-------true. in sharp contrast to the above paragraph, but nontheless, true.

If there was a visiting artist this week, what is your impression of their work and process in relation to your own?
n/a