performance---days (i lost count)

i hate my footage. i spent so much time writing about it and thinking about it, and then going out and shooting it.
i started editing yesterday, and i have NOTHING worth working with. i have some "pretty" footage, but i didnt fucking come here to make pretty art.
i "like" my footage of the fair swing ride, but who the fuck cares if i "like" it?
i have some photos i was working with last night that i think are effective, but theyre literal, easy and not saying anything about performance that isnt already blatantly obvious. im gonna scan in a few polaroids.
i freaked out to stephanie last night because i feel like i have more stills than video footage. i cant change the game plan at this point. i need to work my ass off so that i can graduate in may because i think that if i stay in richmond another year or semester ill have to self medicate. this town distracts me. and really, its not even about a stupid graduation date....i really really just want this work to be the best it can be.
stephanie says she doesnt even notice the town, because shes so busy with her work.....but my work is largely about towns and subcultures, specifically this one. ive worked in a million other bars/clubs in my time, but this is where i started. this is where keep coming back. thats why i need to leave.

my struggle is largely based in lacking visual representations. the research for pauls class, although intense, has helped me. i feel like i can write forever. its the visual thats lacking. everything i shoot is labeled as "obvious", but i dont want to be super abstract to the point of non representation. i like simplicity. i fucking hate my butterfly footage. i want to do the Araki/Goldin thing and just collage images. Tillmans needs to edit more, but i still look at his work a lot too. Im having trouble with the visual. i look at many artists, but i feel this strange urge to be "fast" with mine, because i dont want people to get bored. i duno.


my word for next week is going to be frustration.
i didnt mean for this to get this personal, thats not what this blog is for, i get it. but its so related to the work.
im struggling visually and im putting a lot of pressure on myself and thats not making for good work. ive worked 8-10 hours a day every day for the last 7 days and i feel like ive got nothing to work with. thats not to say i didnt progress, but i have nothing to work with.
here are some obvious images (above).