Thursday Entry 2

1. Did anyone critique your work this week? If so, what were their impressions?
I had meetings this week with two out of 4 of my thesis committee.
Paul-
-diversify the people i videotape.
-consider myself in the piece. why? why not? leave it in? take it out?
-scope
-consider the action of the subjects.
-wave is formally intersting.
-more scale
-diversity is important!!!!!
-consider masculine counterpart.

Heide-
-exploitation: if im talking about women and power then why am i limiting female power to sexuality?
-exhibitionism: where is it coming from?
-action speaks louder than commentary.
-consider action as a medium.
-use my confrontational attitude
-Helen Cico (sp?).
-consider the positive mask in terms of the mystery and power of being a woman.






"Sexuality" vs. Real sexuality






2. What was the most motivational or creative moment of the past week?
im not sure about motivation, but heide's comment threw a wrench into this entire idea. see below.

3. What do you want to achieve in next week's studio practice?
i have a lighting kit, a camera, a shotgun mic, and a boom pole. this week ill be interviewing as many women as possible to talk about success, sexuality, power ect. questions below.

4. What did you achieve in your studio this past week?
i shot and edited three videos involving a mask, which im not using anymore.

5. What was the most profound thought in relation to your practice this week?
i have many thoughts. see below.





I agree with Heide and the rest of my peers in the thought that limiting female power to sexual power is....limited. I understand this. I agree with it. I dont think that a woman should have to use her body or be "pretty" or "sexy" to be powerful. I believe that a womans power lies in what she knows, understands and accomplishes. I do not think that power and sexiness or sexuality are synonymous.

HOWEVER, I do not believe that I live in a world where a woman cant be entirely judged based on her competence as a human being. I do not believe that the majority of men and other women can look at or interact with a woman and not judge her based on her visual appeal or sex appeal. This is fucked up. I know. Its probably also extremely inaccurate, but outside of the academia bubble, Ive not encountered a single human being who doesnt pass judgment on a woman based on how she looks.

I feel that the only true and perhaps even respected power a woman can have is her sexual power, and that belief bothers me greatly. I believe that it does not matter how smart I am or how much I know because I can only exist as an object. In fact, I believe that as a woman, knowledge and competence is the ultimate curse. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, with my personal and professional experience in strip clubs, school, work, dating pool, whatever, I feel that I am only as good as my ability to perform my gender or sexuality.

I dont know how to make work about feminine power that isnt also about sex/sexuality because I feel that my only power as a woman is my sex/sexuality. I dont believe that I am some kind of beautiful creature that all men should bow down to. I dont feel that way at all. For me, my sexuality isnt determined by what I look like, but how i talk. I am not the type of girl that made the money she did by being beautiful. I made the money i did by the way i speak and interact because i know how idiot 60 year old men play The Game and I know exactly what they want to hear. Nonetheless, its sexual power. (Did I just imply that money also equals power?)

In my experience, power = sexuality. ITS TOTAL BULLSHIT, but its the ONLY thing i know to be tried and true. In fact, ive lost boyfriends, customers and dates and even friendships because of my competence as a human being (no matter how little competence is there lol). Not many people like smart women. Bold, smart, aggressive women who want to learn, be worldly, know what they want, dont take shit off of people, and feel that they are not simply their breast size are "scary" or "bitches" or "crazy". Women who have an understanding of their "place" in the world (as defined by what/whoever) and arent accepting of it seem to be thought of as even more crazy.

I dont know what Im doing. I dont know where this is going. The bottom line is that I have absolutely no faith in humanity and i dont know how to make work about how i am disturbed by this fact and i want things to be different.

Show me, not just someone, but a group of people that believe that a womans power lies in competence and intelligence and not tits and ass. I know theres always someone. Theres always one guy thats totally amazing. In fact, I have met a few. Some of my friends husbands are pretty great guys. They do exist. (Hindershot and Pitts for example) But the "other" severely outnumbers the decent ones and im not sure how to make art thats meaningful, because maybe im to negative about the ability of people to not totally suck.

Too many id's arent in check.