Sonali crit notes

Individual Meeting with Sonali:

Rough Notes:
- i am forgetting about the fact that i am privileged (tall, thin white girl....i CAN get this job, there are people who dont have a chance)
-victim card
-language- be more descriptive, stop saying shit and fuck.
-im using four letter words to escape talking about what i really feel/think.
-what am i bringing to this that is new?

Reaction:
i have never even thought about the perspective of the first point (about ME being privileged). she said that i was a tall thin white girl with long hair, therefore i do, in fact, meet the standards that are stereotypically thought of as "hire-ability" within that job. I have always thought if it from the perspective that, this body that i am so thankful for, that i love so much, is a curse because its all ive got. no one will ever truely appreciate me for my brain.
we came to the point where i admitted that im still here because its easy. because i can make in a night what a 5'1'' 250 girl makes in 3 weeks. its works for my time and my money. i can work less to be able to be at home more or at the studio. why? because im stacked and THAT is a privilege. ive never even thought about that. i have always viewed this job, myself, my co workers, as the lowest of the low, without even considering that some girls arent even worthy of being able to step onto that stage to take their clothes off to be treated like shit by men.
holy shit! she said that at least i can do that. she mentioned something about playing victim card which is the LAST thing i want my viewer to see. i dont want to come across as a brat little girl who is pissed off, however, i do not think that my "privilege" of being a desirable female (at least with the tits and ass), makes the pain, the disrespect, the stupidity, the sexism, the abuse any less fucking valid.
were all victims, i get it. im JUST a woman and we dont live in a world where we, as a society will EVER get past that. i get it. i dont want to make work about being a victim because im no more of one that anyone else who is fat, black, handicapped, illiterate or even wealthy.
im just saying:
what. the. fuck. is this it? is this how it really is gonna be forever? are we going to continue to fuck people over for our own personal gain? if so, i dont want to be a part of this capitolist, sexist, cut throat world. i guess what im saying is:
why cant we all just get along?!?!?!

fuck that.
im using this job as a vehicle to discuss that. loss. pain. bitch idiot people. its not right or fair and why the hell is that not a valid subject?
my personal main confusion with the world lies in gender power structure and the body and the stupidity associated with that. im mad about how people treat people, and this is what i know best but shes right:
what am i saying thats new and interesting?
im not. im not saying anything thats new or interesting or not blatantly obvious. how do i make this better?

i have never thought that i was privileged in any way, she shed some light on this and its shitty. ive always had the "well it could be worse" attitude, and that got me through the long nights mostly, but i never even considered the fact that maybe there could be a case where im not even good enough to be the thing the people case aside.

i know i have no room to talk. i know that i sold my right to be mad, hurt, angry, sad or anything else. i sold it. i sold it for cheap.